Dissimulation
by writer.philosopher
Summary: Dissimulation: n. the act of disguising oneself under a feigned appearance; the act of concealing one’s true feelings or intentions. Oneshot. Rated T for paranoia


_Leading a life of dissimulation was never the existence she was meant to have._

"Go find your tutor."

"He quit ages ago."

"Go find your new tutor."

"You haven't found one."

"Go find your –"

"Forget it mother. I'll just find Ty lee."

"Oh, is _that_ the tutor's name?"

She walks away, shaking her head. Why does her father have to be running for governor? she asks herself. She isn't really going to find Ty lee. She isn't going to find Azula or her little brother with the sparkling eyes, to whom she has never spoken. She isn't going to find her weapons master or the tutor that isn't in the palace. She just wants to be alone.

Emotion boils up inside of her, and her tears threaten to overflow. But her family can't have the voters know that the number one candidate for governor has a crybaby daughter. She tries returning to her room, but she sees an obstacle at every turn, always someone or something trying to stop her from reaching her destination.

Is this truly how she'll look at her life from now on? she asks herself. Will she see barriers everywhere, shutting her down and impairing her ability to think for herself?

The tears threaten her again, but she forces them back and pushes herself forward. She's always being pushed. Her mother's expectations push her. Her father's political career pushes her. She pushes herself.

As soon as she sees an unlocked, empty room, she slips inside, her silk slippers soundlessly crossing the threshold and the door closing behind her with a soft click. She slumps against the door with a heavy sigh and is about to let the tears flow openly when she hears something – or someone – move.

"Who's there?" she calls into the darkness, keeping as much of the sadness from her voice as she can.

"Who are _you_?" returns a voice. She presses herself against the door. The voice belongs to none other than Prince Zuko himself. She has had a crush on him since she was about seven, and she hasn't been able to get over him for years. At age thirteen, she still feels the same way.

She manages to give him a strangled, stuttering reply. "I-uh-I'm leaving now." It's the first thing she's ever said in front of him. She can't bear to reveal herself yet.

"Don't leave," coaxes that alluring voice of his. It isn't the first time he's spoken in front of her.

"I-uh-have to," she splutters, glancing frantically about her for a means of silent escape.

"No, you don't," his voice insists. Now she tries to separate his face from the surrounding blackness.

"How do you know?" she replies huffily, relaxing now that she knows he can't see her.

"Because you don't want to leave. You're hiding."

"How can you tell?"

"That's what I'm doing."

She falls silent. How could someone who has everything be hiding?

"Hello? You haven't even told me your name," he says. His voice only confuses her more. She shakes her head in an attempt to clear it, but the effort is useless.

"I've never heard your voice before," he continues. "It's so sad."

"My voice?" she squeaks. This is the first time she has let her tone change.

She hears him chuckle and appreciates the darkness as she blushes. "Yeah," he says. His voice is the only thing that keeps her from leaving. "Why so monotone? Don't you ever want someone to know how you're feeling?"

"No. Never. You do?"

She hears him move and flattens herself against the door. "Yes. I do. Can you please tell me who you are? I've never met anyone like you. You're… interesting. All the people around here are so boring, always doing what's expected of them."

She doesn't know what to say. She doesn't want him to know who she is. If he finds out, he might not think she is so interesting. She always does what is expected of her, and he thinks that makes a person boring. She knows he's right.

"Where are we?" she asks, desperately trying to change the subject.

"I dunno."

Silence consumes them, and she considers slipping away.

"Don't leave," he pleads. She finds herself unable to disobey. She nods, knowing full well that it can't mean anything to him, hidden behind the impenetrable veil of darkness.

She sees something sparkle not far from her. The reddish brown light is only inches from her face when she realizes what it is.

"Zuko!" she exclaims.

"How do you know –"

Her arm snakes behind her to the doorknob and she turns it hurriedly. As she pushes the door outward, light spills into the room, causing her identity to be revealed.

"M-Mai?" he says incredulously. "But you always –"

She nods, not trusting herself to speak any more, especially now that Zuko has seen her. "I never wanted to become this way, but I had no choice; my father's running for governor, my mother's so strict, if I screw this up for my father I know they'll never forgive me, and I just want a place I can run away to, but everyone is always watching me and they all have their own idea of the person I'm supposed to be, and I know they're all wrong and that I want to be myself, but I can't because of all the pressure that comes not only from being high class but also from being fire nation, and I hate being so fake but I _can't_ be real, and you should be able to understand because you're the prince and people expect things from you, but I know you must be much better at pleasing others while staying true to yourself, but I'm not good at it yet, and I'm sorry if you thought I was a good person in there and not out here because I'm so fake and boring like everyone else, and I just –" It all comes pouring out in a rush, and she doesn't even stop to make sure that what she's saying is logical. All she knows is that she wants to make Zuko understand who she is and how she feels. She shakes her head furiously and sprints on her toes down the adjoining hall, her head down and her tears flowing now, unstoppable.

He looks after her retreating figure, unable to chase after the only person (besides his mother and uncle) that he has ever cared for. Incapacitated, he stands motionless until Firelord Ozai rounds the corner, surrounded by his subjects.

"Go find your tutor."

"Y-yes father."

As he scrambles to follow his father's orders, he realizes that he is a hypocrite. He has always done what is expected of him; he is just as boring as everyone else around the palace.

He looks once more down the hall, but Mai is long gone, probably hiding somewhere else, and he knows that she needs to be alone. Maybe, as the prince, he was always meant to fulfill the wishes of everyone else, but she was never, _never_ meant to dissimulate herself.

**A/N: Just in case the story didn't really clear this up for everyone…**

_**Dissimulation: n. the act of disguising oneself under a feigned appearance; the act of concealing one's true feelings or intentions**_


End file.
